My Most Humiliating Airport Moment Happened Recently
In much the same vein as when I wrote about us accidentally crashing a Muslim wedding a few months ago, this is a story that my friends possibly saw when I posted it on Facebook at the time, but I have now decided to jot it down in more detail so I can remember it, no matter how degrading this latest chapter of the T-Factor was.
I’ve had some pretty humiliating yet funny moments in airports, such as the time our gate got changed I think in Frankfurt Airport and we had to make a last minute dash. I broke my left pinkie years ago and it’s now quite bent so when I was power-walking to the new gate I swung my arm back and got it stuck in the belt loop of some German woman’s jeans. That was pretty bad, but it has nothing on what happened six weeks ago.
In mid January we went to Krabi, Thailand for the wedding of our friends, Erinque and Yarny. They didn’t want any gifts, but we still wanted to do something for them and I had a brilliant idea; Enrique is Mexican so what better way could we possibly celebrate their wedding than with a piñata full of sex toys? Anna looked online and found the perfect taco-shaped piñata and the initial plan was for me to act like the average tourist visiting South-East Asia and take a trip down to the seedier parts of Orchard Road before we left to buy a bunch of condoms, dildos, sachets of pineapple juice, that type of thing. That arrangement changed, because Anna gets quite obsessive when it comes to planning anything so before the day came where I was to make my journey from sex shop to sex shop Anna had already found a website where she could discreetly buy a whole bunch of miscellaneous sex toys that would arrive at our apartment in plain packaging. A few days later both the piñata and the unmarked bag had been delivered.
Fast forward a few more days and it was time to fly, but getting there didn’t go so smoothly. We would be staying in a villa inside a resort and would only be gone for about five days so neither of us needed check-in luggage, just a small suitcase and bag to carry on the plane each. While I was packing I gently inserted the piñata into my suitcase, carefully arranging clothing around it so it wouldn’t get damaged and then just chucked the unopened package of assorted objects of debauchery in my bag without a second thought, something in hindsight I should’ve thought through a little better. We arrived at the airport, checked in, and a few of our other friends were on the same flight so we all went to the airport bar and got the celebrations started early. After a couple of beers it was time to get to our gate and go through security so I took everything out of my pockets and placed them all in a tray along with my hat and belt and put my bag behind it. The metal detector was no problem at all and my tray came through so I got my stuff and waited for the bag, but that was taking some time, holding up the entire line of people behind me. It took quite a while before security asked whose bag it was so I went over to sort out whatever the problem was to the relief of all of those who were backed up behind me, allowing the line start moving again.
The guys in question
“Sir, do you have handcuffs in your bag?”. This wasn’t a question I was anticipating so I told the security personnel that there wasn’t as far as I knew and soon it occured to me as they began to tear open the package. Inside among the gimp masks, mankinis, and other paraphernalia that Anna had purchased online was a pair of fluffy, leopard skin-patterned handcuffs sealed in their own little plastic packet. By this time most of the line at security had passed through and were now waiting at the gate, but they wouldn’t be going anywhere any time soon. “Sir, do you have the keys for these?”, I was asked, but because I had no idea they were even in my luggage I also didn’t know if they had a key, but I assumed it was sealed in the packaging with the actual handcuffs. Several of the guards examined and passed the packet of handcuffs around, grilling me more and more about them before informing me that they had to confiscate my passport.
By this time the entire room’s eyes were on me. Except for Anna’s, that is, because she was just up the back chatting with our friends, completely oblivious to the fact that I hadn’t joined them yet. Many people waiting at the gate seated near me were in hysterics, as had I been since the whole debacle begun, because they could sort of see what was going on and were also able to see some of the other items in the unmarked bag so in tears of laughter and with aching cheeks and sides I told them about the piñata of sex toys for the Mexican groom. After another ten minutes a manager from the security team that they had fetched after taking my passport was brought over and that’s when Anna finally noticed that something was up so she came over to see what the problem was and immediately burst out laughing when I told her. This was a pair of fluffy handcuffs that wouldn’t even be able to restrain an infant, the chain on them may have even been plastic and they didn’t really look big enough to fit around a person’s wrists, but the security manager after inspecting them told me she was going to have to confiscate them due to them being a security threat. Of course it was fine by Anna and myself, we just said, “Yes! Take them!”, something they could’ve done what was now half an hour ago and avoided delaying our flight and allowing me to maintain my dignity. Once my passport was returned to me I had to take one more trip through the metal detector and have my bag x-rayed again as well, upon completion of which a man working security who had to at least be in his 70s called me “kinky”. I guess this isn’t the first time he’s seen a white guy try to bring bondage gear into Thailand. As a result of this I was the last person to board our now delayed flight so I received smirks and other weird looks from almost all of the passengers as I made my way to my seat and again while exiting the plane in Krabi.
It was Wednesday when we had left Singapore, however, the wedding itself wasn’t until Saturday, but when Yarny and Enrique’s big day came around the devious taco-shaped piñata was a hit (no pun intended) and they absolutely loved it so that made me dying a little inside at Changi Airport days earlier worth it. In fact I think Enrique appreciated it even more when he found out that for the previous few days while hanging out with us all in the villa he had no idea that there was at one stage the very real possibility of me being detained and unable to attend, meaning Yarny would also have no maid of honour.
In a strange twist, about a week after we had returned home and I had made a Facebook post about the airport debacle one of my best mates messaged me with an interesting story. He was staying in a hotel in Bangkok with his girlfriend when he dropped the remote control for their TV on the floor and the batteries fell out. One rolled under the bed and when he got down and looked underneath to get it, he found a set of proper police handcuffs under there!:
So anyway, once again, congratulations, Enrique and Yarny, your wedding trip was so much fun, I’m just glad I was actually able to make it! I’m never trusting Anna to buy anything online again though, luckily there isn’t a Singaporen version of Border Security, because I would’ve definitely ended up on it.
An embarrassing moment indeed, but certainly hilarious for the onlookers. I bet the security will tell this story over and over again, while crying with laughter 😂.
The old guy at security definitely told the family when he got home 🤣🤣🤣
I am so sure 😂😂